marți, 11 noiembrie 2014

The joy I am not used to feel

(excuse me if I make any mistakes in writing, English is not my first language)

I just found out that my dearest Andrew Solomon posted an article of mine ( ) and the unfortunate me can't think of anything else but the comment he got that I didn't write about his book, the Noonday Demon, but about me coming out of depression.
I feel miserable. After the exhausting feeling of joy and pride I felt, now I fall at the buttom of the gap.

I feel miserable.

Let me explain. And let me talk about Noonday Demon.

Andrew Solomon was in Romania when I was in my darkest episode. I wanted to die, I wanted to just lay in bed and never wake up, I was suffering too much to go to the high sky abandoned  building at Armeneasca to jump, which was my plan, while thinking jumping facing the sky or facing the ground. I wanted to die in sleep and was extremely afraid of dying at the same time. I kept telling myself that I am strong enough to ask for help then. After that I cried again. The thought that people I know would laugh at me that I am a crazy nuts, Emo style, buttom of society, failure, repugnant, just paralized me.
Few weeks before this I bought I book after a public recommendation, and the book was The Noonday Demon. I started reading it, although my concentration was very low - I said that a whole book about depression would make me feel better.

What I found was relief. When I read Andrew Solomon's words about the pain he felt, it was an analgesic for my pain. And I got to feel that I had a personal conversation with him. It was only his speech in my mind. And I realised that this is what I was looking for - someone to understand me and my pain. And there he was, in a book. And I understood the power of the community. They can torn you down as most of the people surrounding us in our society do, and they can lift you up when you most need.

Andrew Solomon was not the only one who helped me, there were these wonderful people on an online forum that I don't feel ready to write its name yet. But I found a community. They are such wonderful opened people that I absolutely love from the buttom of my heart.

So if we suffer from depression, let's just get together and raise some awareness. When we are in our darkest moments, we can't even help ourselves, so we can understand that these people can't feel like helping anyone, but us, who are better, let's speak louder.

The subject of this post is the joy. Why the joy? Because when I felt like confessing about suffering of depression, I felt like I want people to know and I have people to thank - and one of them is Andrew Solomon other ones are the people who treat me and my dearest friend Neil :). The joy I felt when I took that decission was unimaginable few months ago. I told myself that this is just too much joy for me to percieve. I feel the taste of the joy like someone who's been living on the streets since he was born and now gets a confortable bed to sleep.

So what to do with the joy?... I am not used to feeling it and I feel awkward about it.

But joy IS allowed to me as it's allowed to everyone else.

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